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  1. #1
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    Breaking Up With Friends





    Breaking Up With Friends Is So Much Harder Than A Man


    September 29, 2017 |
    By Brande Victorian




    Many a thinkpiece has been written about how hard it is to make friends as an adult, but few have discussed the realities of trying to break up with a friend as a grown woman. Sure, we often talk about how we grow apart from people we’ve grown up with over the years. But have you made a concerted effort to officially cut ties with those people? Unless they’ve committed some sort of egregious offense, chances are that answer is no.
    As someone with passive-aggressive tendencies who often distances herself from people without notice, I know the struggle of breaking up with a friend and, honestly, it’s a lot harder to do than breaking up with a man. See, when it comes to romantic partners, the breaks are often clean. Sure, it may take you a while to get to the point of truly being able to end your relationship. And you may even catch yourself having breakup — or even makeup — sex once or twice before you both realize you need to stop playing and just go your separate ways. But with fairweather friends, the separation is rarely as defined.

    Like many people, you probably have a lot of so-so friends in your circle — people you hang out with randomly or who’ve been around so long you kind of grandfather them into your life events off of principle. And when one or two of those arm-length friends annoys you or you find you’re just not in the same place in life anymore, rather than have a talk — or a falling out — you likely just create some distance between the two of you. The brunch invitations stop, you no longer text them about things throughout the day, and you call yourself “cutting them off” when venting to mutual friends. They, on the other hand, know nothing of this “cutting,” so when there’s a major life event like a promotion, birthday, engagement, pregnancy, etc. you’re invited to celebrate with them and then you have to decide if you’re going to attend and be fake and phony or relay your ill-timed grievances prior to declining. You could also just ignore the invite altogether, but trust me that will make things much more weird.

    The other thing that makes breaking up with friends difficult is that sometimes it doesn’t feel quite right to tell someone, “Hey, I know we used to be cool, but I don’t really want to mess with you anymore.” Unlike romantic relationships where you can often pinpoint some concrete violation of trust that renders the other person no longer dateable, with friends the desire for separation isn’t always as dramatic as “You hurt me; therefore I’m done.” Often, you just feel like the person is no longer an asset to your life, but you don’t want to express that because there’s always this expectation of mending friendships rather than ending them. But sometimes you don’t really want to be that person’s friend anymore and it seems weird to talk about because you’re not trying to come to any sort of resolution other than I’ll be going my way and you should probably go yours. Who wants to meet up for cocktails Love & Hip-Hop style just to throw up the deuces? Not many; hence the strategic distancing rather than breaking up.

    Eventually, though, the message will be heard and it likely won’t be relayed the way you would’ve liked it to had you addressed the issue head on. A mutual friend is either going to try to set you both up to talk about your issues, or let it slip to the other that you’re not too fond of her these days. Now suddenly you’re “fake” and have to be on the defense when all along you were trying to avoid conflict, both internal and external.

    At the end of the day, you have to do what’s right for you. If that means not surrounding yourself with friends who are no longer your cup of tea just to keep the peace, then so be it. Nothing is more important than you’re own peace of mind, but the thing is, in order to truly keep the peace you’re likely going to have to make that break and you’re going to have to make it clear. Otherwise, the cycle of unwanted outreach and internal conflict will never end. And where’s the peace in that?

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  3. #2
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    My aunt once told us as teenagers to not hang around a bunch of women. Because a woman wants the same thing you want, which is a good man. When growing up we hung with the popular guys in school and as I got older I didn't fool with women to label them as a best friend. My sister is my BFF. The only female I ever trusted. I have two male friends and the one I have known for over 15 years is a very dear friend that has been there for me through the thick and thin. He wanted to take it to next level, but it will break my heart if we lost our friendship because of starting a relationship. I will move on from a friendship if I feel I'm the only one whose calling or trying to keep in contact or if I'm pushed aside for a newfound friendship. To me, they are not a true friend. I have no problem walking away if the friendship is one-sided.

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  5. #3
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    I didn't grow up with sisters but I have a younger one, same father. Over the years out the 6 friends that I have known since we were 14, we don't talk on the regular. Only because they have changed, one is a JW now so she has disconnected like they are in a cult. None of the rest of them are on social media.

    2 of them are not in a good place and they don't want to always call and complain just because I'm married. I've told them that we are not joined at the hip and ain't nothing changed but my last name and location. They have always pointed out the jealousy of the frienemy I've had for years but wasn't really paying her ways any attention... only because I don't focus on other women like that until they target me with the bs. Even my 2 best guy friends pointed it out back then.

    Anymore it's usually new women that try to attach themselves like you have been their best friend. I don't like that because they then think that they can cross boundaries. Like this lady I deleted I texted back saying that we were about to go out to eat. That should have been it. She text back where are y'all going? I ignored her because she would have tried to meet us and I don't do 3rd wheels out with us.

    I have no problem making it clear, but some people prefer to act like they don't hear you until you go off on them. Maybe they just try me because I'm generally friendly until they flip my bitch switch and see a whole other person.

    @ in order to truly keep the peace you’re likely going to have to make that break and you’re going to have to make it clear. Otherwise, the cycle of unwanted outreach and internal conflict will never end. And where’s the peace in that?
    Last edited by PinkPearls; 10-19-2017 at 03:37 PM.

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  7. #4
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sultry View Post
    My aunt once told us as teenagers to not hang around a bunch of women. Because a woman wants the same thing you want, which is a good man. When growing up we hung with the popular guys in school and as I got older I didn't fool with women to label them as a best friend. My sister is my BFF. The only female I ever trusted. I have two male friends and the one I have known for over 15 years is a very dear friend that has been there for me through the thick and thin. He wanted to take it to next level, but it will break my heart if we lost our friendship because of starting a relationship. I will move on from a friendship if I feel I'm the only one whose calling or trying to keep in contact or if I'm pushed aside for a newfound friendship. To me, they are not a true friend. I have no problem walking away if the friendship is one-sided.



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  9. #5
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    19 Times The Internet Savagely Roasted the "Friend Zone"

    *Tips fedora to the truth*

    By Julia Pugachevsky
    Oct 18, 2017

    http://www.cosmopolitan.com/sex-love...ne-is-garbage/




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  11. #6
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    Quote Originally Posted by PinkPearls View Post
    19 Times The Internet Savagely Roasted the "Friend Zone"

    *Tips fedora to the truth*

    By Julia Pugachevsky
    Oct 18, 2017

    http://www.cosmopolitan.com/sex-love...ne-is-garbage/




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    Quote Originally Posted by Maint_Man View Post
    Just because someone is your friend doesn’t mean they’re your type. Just because you have a lot in common with someone doesn’t mean they’re your type. Just because someone is built a certain way doesn’t mean they’re your type. Just because someone cooks like your momma doesn’t mean they’re your type. Just because someone likes motorcycles doesn’t mean they’re your type and etc…...
    Last edited by Sultry; 10-20-2017 at 09:19 AM.

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  15. #8
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    One of the best things about being a VERY GROWN ASS MAN, is that we, in my clique of 5, have been together over 30 years.
    Aint no surprises We all know what's what with who. We're soooo far beyond the NOT TALKING TO HIM or DISTANCING MYSELF FROM HIM games.
    Then again, I'm sure this type of article isn't aimed at ole skoolers like us. lol

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  17. #9
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    Early College Academy: AWESOME Pinky.
    Lil Momma your neice?

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  19. #10
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    Quote Originally Posted by SteelCool View Post
    One of the best things about being a VERY GROWN ASS MAN, is that we, in my clique of 5, have been together over 30 years.
    Aint no surprises We all know what's what with who. We're soooo far beyond the NOT TALKING TO HIM or DISTANCING MYSELF FROM HIM games.
    Then again, I'm sure this type of article isn't aimed at ole skoolers like us. lol
    That's good because a lot of men say they don't have friends, just associates. Mine don't go that far back with his buds but he has 7 brothers. But after relocating twice and meeting new people over the years, I was surprised at how middle aged women and some men carry on being phony etc. This is just from the 3- 5 yrs time spent getting together in groups to play cards and party etc.
    Last edited by PinkPearls; 10-20-2017 at 04:17 PM.

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  21. #11
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    Quote Originally Posted by SteelCool View Post

    Early College Academy: AWESOME Pinky.
    Lil Momma your neice?

    Thanks! * proud aunty * she's the last one of my oldest brother's 5 daughters to graduate from there last year.

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  23. #12
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    Quote Originally Posted by Maint_Man View Post

    lol I didn't have complicated relationships. I always kept it in perspective of what it really was. I didn't like dealing with misunderstandings.

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  25. #13
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    Quote Originally Posted by PinkPearls View Post



    Thanks! * proud aunty * she's the last one of my oldest brother's 5 daughters to graduate from there last year.
    The LAST ONE! Talk about pressure!
    But she did it.

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  27. #14
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sultry View Post


    Just because someone is your friend doesn’t mean they’re your type. Just because you have a lot in common with someone doesn’t mean they’re your type. Just because someone is built a certain way doesn’t mean they’re your type. Just because someone cooks like your momma doesn’t mean they’re your type. Just because someone likes motorcycles doesn’t mean they’re your type and etc…...
    i have female friends. but none of them are in the friend zone.

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  29. #15
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    Quote Originally Posted by PinkPearls View Post


    That's good because a lot of men say they don't have friends, just associates. Mine don't go that far back with his buds but he has 7 brothers. But after relocating twice and meeting new people over the years, I was surprised at how middle aged women and some men carry on being phony etc. This is just from the 3- 5 yrs time spent getting together in groups to play cards and party etc.
    I think relocating twice definitely has an effect. None of us ever left here, except a few years for college.
    We stayed close. Don't get me wrong. It aint always been all good with all 5 of us. In younger days, (20's & 30's) we went thru it.
    I had to cut one loose for a few years. Never stopped loving him. But me doing what I did for a living, and shit he decided to get involved with...No!
    We came back together eventually. I was glad. Because we had the most in common when we were young. (BIGGEST HO's) So now, when we all sittin around gettin drunk, tellin lies and a few truths about Back In The Day, he and I have the same stories.
    They all start wit "Remember that chick who....?"

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