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  1. #1
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    Something To Fight About

    Something To Fight About: Couples Who Fight The Most, Love Each Other Most

    By Lauren MartinAug 22 2014
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    If you love me, fight with me. If you love me, yell with me. Scream and shout with me to show me you care. Stomp; run; wail, but stand your ground. Shake with me and cry with me. Become exhausted, annoyed and utterly fed up with me. Dance with me in this maddening tango of love and pain.

    Slam doors, punch walls and throw dishes. Call me on the phone in a fit of rage. Send text messages of your disdain. Wake me up in the middle of the night because you refuse to let it go until morning.

    Keep me up till dawn, talking, yelling, then listening. Make the neighbors complain, and the dogs howl. Just show me you love me; show me you care.

    Show me that you're willing to stick it out, even when you want to leave. Show me that you're going to make an effort and fight through the pain and past the hurt. Because as crazy and ridiculous as it seems, fighting means you love me.

    Unfortunately for all of those next to the loud couple who fights more than they talk, they probably won't be breaking up anytime soon. In fact, their fighting isn't a sign of a sick relationship, but a healthy one.
    According to Dr. John M. Gottman of the Gottman Institute, fighting isn't a sign of a weak relationship, but a strong one… depending on how you're fighting.

    There are three basic styles, according to Gottman:


    1. Those who want to sit down, compromise, and get back to being comfortable with each other


    2. Those who want to be heard immediately and have the other person agree with them

    3. Those who have no interest in dealing with problems


    The first approach, while described rationally, doesn't always include sitting down. It can encompass fits of rage, screaming into reddening faces and stomping into corners of rooms. It does, however, usually end in compromise and peace.

    As we've all learned from a good fight, while getting through it may be difficult and painful, the result always ends in a stronger relationship.

    The second approach is just the sign of a partner who doesn't want to work it out or even listen. This is someone who doesn't deserve your time and isn't fighting in a productive and beneficial way. This partner isn't really interested in fighting, more so yelling.

    The third is the deadliest approach to relationships: not fighting. To the outside observer, it would seem like the couple who never fights is the happiest. In fact, it's the opposite. It's the couple who cares enough to fight -- to not walk away, and to battle it out -- who holds the stronger, more loving relationship.
    It's easy to walk away when things get tough, but it's a sign of true love to be willing to withstand the pain and discomfort of working through a good fight.

    Fighting means you care


    Fighting means you care enough to deal with the hurt and anger, rather than just walk away. It means actively pursuing a solution, a breakthrough that will make you stronger.

    No two people are going to agree on everything, and fighting just means you've hit a point in your journey together that needs special attention and communication.
    Relationship therapist Dana Ward explains, "Fighting is normal. While some couples may think fighting is the sign of a bad relationship, it is actually is very important. The key is fighting with a purpose.”

    It's the whole idea of “fight or flight.” The way species adapt and evolve is based on the psychological reactions that occur when a threat is perceived. You either stand your ground or flee the situation. Either way, you're making a decision, one that questions whether the threat is worth attacking or running.


    The couples most in love are willing to push aside those subconscious (and conscious) desires to flee, in favor of sticking it out and fighting for one another.


    Fighting means keeping each other healthy... and sane


    Gautama Buddha once wisely cautioned, “Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.”
    According to findings published in “Psychosomatic Medicine,” Buddha's logic wasn't just profound, but also scientifically sound.
    Based on a 10-year study of 4,000 men and women in Framingham, Massachusetts, women, specifically, who hold onto anger or unresolved feelings during a fight are four times more at risk of dying than women who can express themselves.


    CNN published the findings of another study by Ernest Harburg, Ph.D., of the University of Michigan. The study followed 192 married couples from 1971 to 1988 and found that those who harbored their anger during a fight or when unjustly attacked did not live as long or as healthy as the couples who fought and resolved their issues fairly.
    The stress you feel from holding on to anger is real. The health risks of that stress are also very real. If you love your partner, care about your partner's health and want to see him or her happy, then fight for your relationship.

    Fighting means being honest


    Only during a good fight can you let go of your inhibitions and understand how you and your partner really feel.
    According to Pamela Paul, author of “The Starter Marriage and the Future of Matrimony,” compatibility of personality traits, such as beliefs and core values, comes out during a good fight. It's when you're heated, not holding back or restraining yourself, that you finally let the other person see how you really think and feel.

    These outbursts of truth can only come from a good, heated discussion. Without these fights, people would be getting married and having children without knowing the true feelings and innermost desires of their partners.

    In order to face the important and pressing issues that can destroy a marriage, a couple has to be completely honest and open with themselves and the values they hold most important. If these values aren't tested until a fight occurs, then there's no way to know what's really worth fighting for.

    *Fighting means better sex


    Was it the fight before the sex, or the sex before the fight?
    We're not sure which came first, but we've all experienced the make-up sex that comes after a good fight. Tensions are high; blood is boiling, and there's no better way to break the tension than with a good ol' fashioned wrestling match.
    [I]While we haven't yet found much evidence to prove this theory, there isn't much disproving it. We're not suggesting you go home and pick a fight tonight; we are saying that if you are going to fight, just look at the make-up sex as the consolation prize. Maybe now it won't be such a big deal who wins.
    Last edited by PinkPearls; 10-17-2017 at 04:31 AM.

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  3. #2
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    Interesting...
    I'm a real nice man, so if you ever see me being mean to someone, understand: They earned it!

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    1. Those who want to sit down, compromise, and get back to being comfortable with each other

    This has always been me. I'm not much of an arguer. Because I've learned that when pissed enough, I say things that can't be taken back or forgotten.
    So, over the years I've taught myself to simply state my perspective, listen to hers, agree or disagree, and be done with it.
    Problems arose for me when women didn't want to simply be done with it. They wanted to talk and talk and talk.
    I get that women have more of a need to express themselves verbally than do men. I mean, it's a scientifically proven fact.
    Still, when a man says "I understand your point, but, I'm done talking about this", women would do well to respect that, and let it be done.
    Too often, in my relationships, that was not the case. And it led to my being pissed off to the point of and saying things I couldn't take back, or she could never forget.





    *Fighting means better sex[/I][/B]

    I was always different on this one. Never was much of a makeup sex person. Yes, I know I'm in the vast minority on this.
    I don't get angry easily. I takes something to get me there. But once I'm there, I'm mad all over. So, it takes me a while dial back down.
    So, the likelyhood of me wanting to sex her immediately is...naw.
    When I was married, ex wifey was big on the philosophy that we can fight like cats and dogs all day long. But when bedtime came, and she wanted to fuck, nothing else mattered. lol I, on the other hand, was opposite. Like I said, it takes me a while to cool off after a real knock-down, drag out verbal altercation. I stay heated for quite a while. And quite frankly, I may not even want to be around your ass in the moment.
    One night, after one of them fights, we get in bed, and she makes her move. I wasn't having it. This led to one of, if not THEE most memorable utterances of our marriage.
    Frustrated that wasn't up for fuckin, she said "I Thought I Was Supposed To Be The WOMAN In This Marriage". I was too pissed to find it funny at the time. But since then, every time I recall it, I chuckle.

  6. #4
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    Quote Originally Posted by PinkPearls View Post
    Something To Fight About: Couples Who Fight The Most, Love Each Other Most

    By Lauren MartinAug 22 2014
    Share









    If you love me, fight with me. If you love me, yell with me. Scream and shout with me to show me you care. Stomp; run; wail, but stand your ground. Shake with me and cry with me. Become exhausted, annoyed and utterly fed up with me. Dance with me in this maddening tango of love and pain.

    Slam doors, punch walls and throw dishes. Call me on the phone in a fit of rage. Send text messages of your disdain. Wake me up in the middle of the night because you refuse to let it go until morning.

    Keep me up till dawn, talking, yelling, then listening. Make the neighbors complain, and the dogs howl. Just show me you love me; show me you care.

    Show me that you're willing to stick it out, even when you want to leave. Show me that you're going to make an effort and fight through the pain and past the hurt. Because as crazy and ridiculous as it seems, fighting means you love me.

    Unfortunately for all of those next to the loud couple who fights more than they talk, they probably won't be breaking up anytime soon. In fact, their fighting isn't a sign of a sick relationship, but a healthy one.
    According to Dr. John M. Gottman of the Gottman Institute, fighting isn't a sign of a weak relationship, but a strong one… depending on how you're fighting.

    There are three basic styles, according to Gottman:


    1. Those who want to sit down, compromise, and get back to being comfortable with each other


    2. Those who want to be heard immediately and have the other person agree with them

    3. Those who have no interest in dealing with problems


    The first approach, while described rationally, doesn't always include sitting down. It can encompass fits of rage, screaming into reddening faces and stomping into corners of rooms. It does, however, usually end in compromise and peace.

    As we've all learned from a good fight, while getting through it may be difficult and painful, the result always ends in a stronger relationship.

    The second approach is just the sign of a partner who doesn't want to work it out or even listen. This is someone who doesn't deserve your time and isn't fighting in a productive and beneficial way. This partner isn't really interested in fighting, more so yelling.

    The third is the deadliest approach to relationships: not fighting. To the outside observer, it would seem like the couple who never fights is the happiest. In fact, it's the opposite. It's the couple who cares enough to fight -- to not walk away, and to battle it out -- who holds the stronger, more loving relationship.
    It's easy to walk away when things get tough, but it's a sign of true love to be willing to withstand the pain and discomfort of working through a good fight.

    Fighting means you care


    Fighting means you care enough to deal with the hurt and anger, rather than just walk away. It means actively pursuing a solution, a breakthrough that will make you stronger.


    No two people are going to agree on everything, and fighting just means you've hit a point in your journey together that needs special attention and communication.
    Relationship therapist Dana Ward explains, "Fighting is normal. While some couples may think fighting is the sign of a bad relationship, it is actually is very important. The key is fighting with a purpose.”

    It's the whole idea of “fight or flight.” The way species adapt and evolve is based on the psychological reactions that occur when a threat is perceived. You either stand your ground or flee the situation. Either way, you're making a decision, one that questions whether the threat is worth attacking or running.


    The couples most in love are willing to push aside those subconscious (and conscious) desires to flee, in favor of sticking it out and fighting for one another.


    Fighting means keeping each other healthy... and sane


    Gautama Buddha once wisely cautioned, “Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.”
    According to findings published in “Psychosomatic Medicine,” Buddha's logic wasn't just profound, but also scientifically sound.
    Based on a 10-year study of 4,000 men and women in Framingham, Massachusetts, women, specifically, who hold onto anger or unresolved feelings during a fight are four times more at risk of dying than women who can express themselves.


    CNN published the findings of another study by Ernest Harburg, Ph.D., of the University of Michigan. The study followed 192 married couples from 1971 to 1988 and found that those who harbored their anger during a fight or when unjustly attacked did not live as long or as healthy as the couples who fought and resolved their issues fairly.
    The stress you feel from holding on to anger is real. The health risks of that stress are also very real. If you love your partner, care about your partner's health and want to see him or her happy, then fight for your relationship.

    Fighting means being honest


    Only during a good fight can you let go of your inhibitions and understand how you and your partner really feel.
    According to Pamela Paul, author of “The Starter Marriage and the Future of Matrimony,” compatibility of personality traits, such as beliefs and core values, comes out during a good fight. It's when you're heated, not holding back or restraining yourself, that you finally let the other person see how you really think and feel.

    These outbursts of truth can only come from a good, heated discussion. Without these fights, people would be getting married and having children without knowing the true feelings and innermost desires of their partners.

    In order to face the important and pressing issues that can destroy a marriage, a couple has to be completely honest and open with themselves and the values they hold most important. If these values aren't tested until a fight occurs, then there's no way to know what's really worth fighting for.

    *Fighting means better sex


    Was it the fight before the sex, or the sex before the fight?
    We're not sure which came first, but we've all experienced the make-up sex that comes after a good fight. Tensions are high; blood is boiling, and there's no better way to break the tension than with a good ol' fashioned wrestling match.
    [I]While we haven't yet found much evidence to prove this theory, there isn't much disproving it. We're not suggesting you go home and pick a fight tonight; we are saying that if you are going to fight, just look at the make-up sex as the consolation prize. Maybe now it won't be such a big deal who wins.
    I highlighted a few things.

    Fighting means better sex...
    Last time I had make-up sex or anger sex. I was
    "In-it"-
    SAYING-
    this "B" gotta go

    Ion never want anyone to take me to a place where I am charged and think I like being here.
    .
    Which brings me to-
    "Fighting-means you care"
    I can CARE, YOU can CARE, WE can CARE-
    w/o all the histrionics.
    I'm pretty much a low-key person 24/7, If YOU don't know that & think you have to ruffle my feathers, to get a rise out of me,
    there's something wrong...
    .
    .
    Only during a good fight can you let go of your inhibitions and understand how you and your partner really feel.
    I don't need a fight or a staged argument to get my point(s) across. I(usually) say what I'm gonna say & are done w/it. So if we're arguing, 1-of us didn't/ain't getting what the other is putting down...
    .
    .
    .
    Gautama Buddha once wisely cautioned, “Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.”
    Why do it? Why hang-on to shit

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    i'd rather be fucking.

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    Most of these points are swerving too close to the "If a man loves me, he'll hit me" idea.

    NAH...I'll pass.


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    I'm not the hot and heavy type if shit ain't right either lol. I can turn cold and mean everything that I say so I try not to fly off the handle. It all depends on what I'm reacting to, but generally one of use will leave before I start physically fighting if my space is invaded.


    @ I was always different on this one. Never was much of a makeup sex person. Yes, I know I'm in the vast minority on this.

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    Quote Originally Posted by PinkPearls View Post
    I'm not the hot and heavy type if shit ain't right either lol. I can turn cold and mean everything that I say so I try not to fly off the handle. It all depends on what I'm reacting to, but generally one of use will leave before I start physically fighting if my space is invaded.


    @ I was always different on this one. Never was much of a makeup sex person. Yes, I know I'm in the vast minority on this.
    Yep. When I feel my stomach tighten and I take the exasperated breath, it's my warning to myself:Time to walk away from the argument, before I say some really ugly shit.

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    Quote Originally Posted by $AVAG3 (2oneF!F) View Post
    Most of these points are swerving too close to the "If a man loves me, he'll hit me" idea.

    NAH...I'll pass.

    That is the vibe I was getting also.

    We fight over something almost every day but it does not get that deep where we are throwing dishes, yelling and calling each others out of their name.
    Sometimes we forget what the fight was about by the end of the night.
    Better than rubies

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    I disagree with the author of this article. To me, it seems as if she’s implying a stressful relationship is better, which is not true. I’m a private person with a peaceful soul. There is no way I’ll stay in an unhealthy relationship that consists of nagging, cursing and arguments. I’m willing to have discussions as grown folks. On some occasion I have been called mean, because I don’t have time for BS. We don’t need to be together if we have more arguments than respectable conversations. And we don’t have to argue for sex. If he wants more, just ask.

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    Quote Originally Posted by PinkPearls View Post
    Amen! This is so true....

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    Longsuffering and fighting is not worth a relationship. @ The couples most in love are willing to push aside those subconscious (and conscious) desires to flee, in favor of sticking it out and fighting for one another.


    @ The stress you feel from holding on to anger is real. The health risks of that stress are also very real. If you love your partner, care about your partner's health and want to see him or her happy, then fight for your relationship.


    Last edited by PinkPearls; 10-18-2017 at 09:19 PM.

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